"But , Angela, where do you stand on other important issues facing our times today?"
Let me tell you. Here. A list of views. Views that I have. Or at least will have when I am President of the United States
of America. Take a peak:
FUTURE PRESIDENT ANGELA SAYS: There is too much of it! Especially to foreign countries. We only have so much to give. We
should be giving the people of America AIDS, not the Mexican Taliban.
PRESIDENT ANGELA: As things continue to rise, peaking out from underneath our collective skirt, getting harder and veiny,
we should never hesitate to hide this inflation with a notebook. Or an ace bandage. It's what our forefathers would want us
to do. My forefather, at least. He was kinky.
PRESIDENT ANGELA: If summer camps continue to close, over 300% of America's work force will be without work... force.
I would make sure that all camps stay open no matter what happens. There is no killer. Keep working. Everything is fine, I
would say. Go take a shower. The stink of man-funk is on you. You stink. Stink!
PRESIDENT ANGELA: Most people are ignorant about this subject. Haiti is a country, not an island!
Humanitarian Crisis in Sudan:
PRESIDENT ANGELA: Perhaps the people are hungry because they didn't want to eat the food they were being served. Perhaps
they didn't want to eat it. Perhaps they like different food, from the kitchen, but did not want to have to encounter big
fat chefs who are also registered sex offenders! Did anyone ever think of that? Why not? Who is to blame? The United Nations?
Judy? Meg? I don't know. I don't profess to have all the answers to the world, I am just one woman, but I do know that Judy
is mean. And Meg is mean. And sometimes the world is unfair. You have to be quiet. Very quiet. And then sneak up on your problems.
Quietly sneak. Scamper. Scamper behind a table. This is a parable, you see. The table is Sudan's Dafur region. The person
scampering is me, or even you. And Judy is the Antichrist.
The War in Iraq:
PRESIDENT ANGELA: I would have voted to give President Bush the legistlative power to invade Iraq. But not for him to actually
invade Iraq. Or is it that I would have voted for him to invade Iraq, but not to have the legislative power to invade Iraq?
It is very confusing. I definitely know that Saddam Hussein was justified in everything he did. But so is President Bush,
and so were Joseph Stalin, and Adolph Hitler, and John F. Kennedy. They were all our leaders and we should support them. If
you were leader, wouldn't you want people to support you? Do unto others an eye for an eye. Just like Jesus said.
So, you see, I am for the war but against the troops. I hope they get picked off one by one. Quietly. With bees. Or motorboats.
Run over by motorboats. Motorboats being driven by bombs. And archery skills. Where was I?
PRESIDENT PETE--ANGELA: I forgive Paul. We had good times. I look forward to meeting with him and other campers, and singing
songs. Songs about killing them all. And then I will. Not kill them. I will kill them. I will not. I want to kill. I guess
I am the biggest flip-flop of them all! [Cue wah-wah-wah sound]